Hostage Crisis at N.H. Clinton HQ

In case you haven't heard, one Lee Eisenberg (sounds like a Clinton campaign donor), decided to go al-Qaeda on Hillary's campaign center in Rochester, New Hampshire. Evidently, Eisenberg was strapped with duct tape and police flares, and feigned the role of a suicide bomber.

This may have been the least threatening combination of variables contributing to a hostage crisis ever:

Rochester, New Hampshire. Violent crime is slightly higher in Rochester than in New Hampshire as a whole, but we're talking about a city with not one single murder in all of 2005. You'd think even in a city like Rochester, there would be at least one "pissed off alcoholic husband comes home drunk to find wife in bed with gardener, shoots both" type of murder there. To make a comparison, in 2005 you had an equal chance of death via marshmallow as murder in the hostage-hotbed of Rochester. The only real significance of the location is the early New Hampshire primary.

Lee Eisenberg. I knew the name was vaguely familiar. Not the same guy, but still, doesn't a name like Lee Eisenberg seem a little more stereotypical Jewish Hollywood and a little less fake bomb strapped to chest? Also, Lee is way more intimidating of a name, if it's one of those one-two punch combo names where the Lee adds a bit of unpredictable masculine force. Lee Harvey Oswald. Tommy Lee Jones. Stand-alone Lees don't seem nearly as threatening.

Hillary Clinton. Couldn't he have taken hostages at another candidate's local HQ? When Hillary Clinton chooses what to have for breakfast, the factors are how she can offend the least number of people, not take a side, and find a way to tie it to Bill. Right now, her speech writers are penning something inoffensive so as to gain the votes of the Lee Eisenbergs of the USA. Couldn't this have happened to a McCain office? Nobody knows what the hell that maverick's going to do. If Clinton really wanted to make a name for herself, she should have taken the Ross Perot approach.

Finally, a fake chest bomb. Real fucking creative. If you're going to take time out of your busy Friday afternoon to take some hostages at a local Hillary Clinton campaign center, you should at least get a real bomb, or do something really off the wall, like storm in, caked in talcum powder, and say you're covered in anthrax. That's the way to make the news Mr. Eisenberg. Around this time of year you often hear the expression "It's the thought that counts." Unfortunately for Eisenberg, this applies to five year olds giving gifts, not grown men taking hostages. You get way more bang for your buck (no pun intended) if you put a shit-ton of effort and resources into your last hurrah. You're going to prison for a long time either way, so why not make it count?

I should probably go to bed now, seeing as how it's a little after 5 a.m., but I'm even more wound up now than I was before. Oh well. I wonder if the Ron Paul HQ in Austin is open now, because there's this barely used bottle of talcum powder sitting under my bathroom sink........